Change is Good: Questioning the Future

Re-published from my old travel blog

June 25, 2015

We’re always told that change is good. Reorganizing a room’s furniture for a new feel, taking a different route to work for a change of scenery, doing something spontaneous to avoid life’s inevitable moments of boredom. But what about the kind of change that sneaks up on us, because it happens gradually without us really noticing…

When I look back on what my life was like just one short year ago, I realize just how much has changed. Then, I was a sure-of-myself 20-year-old falling out of my first love and trying to make sense of what would come next. I was transitioning from comfortable to unfamiliar, and having a little too much fun along the way.

I knew what I wanted in life and I was on my way to get it. My motivation to meet new people and try new things was intensified and helped me do things I never thought I would, like dance on the dugouts at Coca-Cola field for crowds in the thousands with my new co-interns, or start planning a trip to study abroad in a foreign country with a bunch of strangers.

At school, I spent less time on my phone and more time with the people around me, strengthening my friendships and making new ones that already feel like they’ve existed forever. I was more present, taking all the opportunities thrown my way, even if that just meant going out on a Tuesday for the hell of it. And over Christmas break my parents moved away from my childhood home in Buffalo; I said goodbye all the way from Columbus without looking back.

Then, on February 3rd I boarded a plane to Madrid, Spain and didn’t return for 4 months. My perspective was shaken like a snow globe, everything I thought I knew falling around me like tiny artificial snowflakes. My eyes were opened to new ways of life and my heart melted by a new foreign romance. Time flew by like a dream, and before I knew it I was moving my life to yet another new city, to begin a summer internship where I would find myself sitting at this very desk wondering what I had done.

The uncertainty set in as I asked myself a million and one questions, if I had picked the right major, if I knew what kind of job I would look for after graduation, if I knew what city I wanted to live in. The answer was always no, and as I imagined my future like a blank page all I could think was, “Oh shit.”

That’s when I started to wonder why my 21-year-old self is so much more ambiguous than my 20-year-old self. How did this happen? How did I go from having it all together to watching it all fall apart? Not that much has changed, has it? …And so came my recount of the past year. I went through it over and over in my head until I realized that the people and places of this past year have impacted me more than I ever thought possible and when I look back at that 20-year-old stuck in comfortability, I know that I wouldn’t trade my experiences for the world.

Sometimes we get so used to the way things are, we can’t see how much better they could be. We get our minds set on certain goals, put all our ambitions in one basket and forget about everything else that’s out there. So maybe I don’t know where I’m going after graduation, or even after today, but I’m happy. Even though it may feel like I’ve taken one step forward and two steps back, I know that all these question marks are pushing me toward the next great adventure. There’s a world of opportunity waiting for me, and I’ll find my way just like I always have, making changes, taking risks, jumping in, so that one day I can look back at this 21-year-old and know that I’m a better version of her, too.

So yes, change is good.